Archive for July, 2011

Learning by Eggsample

FINALLY we have some fucking puns in this place. YOUR WELCOME

 

This July I am sorting my life out. I know I have said it before, and instead of actually keeping to the diet, I have in fact drank my weight in rum and smoked loads, all while wearing skinny jeans [and covered in hot sauce, I am a Hot Mess]. I did stick to the decaf tea thing, though, mostly, but it turns out that you can’t just have ten cups of decaf tea, eat a whole pile of burritos and call it a healthy lifestyle. Maybe Oprah is not such a good role model after all.

But I am taking it seriously now. So seriously I am going to retire my purple skinny jeans to the Great Wardrobe in the sky, just as soon as I can muster up the courage. I really love those pants, it’s actually ridiculous how much. We’ve been through a lot together. Plane rides, bus rides, bathroom rides- lesser denim would have given up, or at least ripped at the knee, but not these pants. Maybe I won’t retire them, maybe I will save them for formal wear. Like I will get married in them or something. My stomach is not invited to the ceremony. Also I probably will not be either if I insist on wearing really old purple jeans- sorry future wife. You can go ahead and try to change me if you want.

 

Anyway, I was pretty worried about being a healthy motherfucker,  because being healthy and cutting out loads of my favourite healthy foodstuffs seemed like trying to build a lego house out of play-doh. Except instead of just making a building that is structurally unsound you end up dying of malnourishment. Also because the last time I tried my diet I ate so much cheese it was ridiculous, I practically pasteurised myself. It wasn’t a good look. It was a pretty sweaty look.

But this time, I am pretty sure I have discovered the key to healthy eating. It is not, as I was told by my doctor, having a balanced diet. It has fuck all to do with pyramids. No, it’s much better than that. It is the kind of information you can only get in pamphlet form, and that is exactly how I dicovered it.

You guys- all we need are Quail Eggs.

I could paraphrase this pamphlet for you, but that would not be doing it justice. Quail eggs are fucking magic shit you guys. They might be almost as class as the Dragon Fruit, except probably everything I heard about that Bad Ass Mother Fucker is probably true, and I would be very surprised if this pamphlet isn’t at least half bullshit. But Imma live by it anyway. First thing tomorrow Imma buy a load of those little eggs and go fucking nuts. I think if I eat only Quail eggs and Dragon Fruit, I might actually evolve into Charizard.

I can’t see any other possibility.

Here, I present to you, with commentary- the most beautiful pamphlet god ever decided to write for the laugh. I am well aware my commentary is not gonna be half as funny as the actual text, but I can’t stop talking about these little bastards so you guys are screwed. Soz babes.

‘QUAIL EGGS- HEALTHY WAY OF LIFE, HEALTHY GOURMET TREATS’ is the title of this publication. Already your senses are blown. It says healthy twice, so they must be good for you, right? And gourmet- this shit is fancy. Nigella Lawson probably eats these things. She probably uses them every day, the saucepot. Incidentally, can we talk about her burkini, because I might be in love with it. Only Nigella would find a Lycra full body hoody with a peak built in and think ‘Hmm, that is perfect for holidays’. I hope it catches on, because I love it when I go to the beach and all the sexy ladies look like they are wearing the skin of a seal that has partially melted.

With a peaked cap- so practical! Add heels and you’re ready for a night on the town- it’s Daywear meets Nightwear!

Anyway, back to the pamphlet.  ‘Quail eggs are speckled pearls that nature gives us’. And here I always thought Pearls were the pearls that nature gave us. The more you know.  ‘Since ancient times, this delicacy has been prized as a dietary and healing food’. Right. Again, I thought all food was ‘dietary’, as in ‘part of a diet’. At this stage, the pamphlet has pretty much exploded most of my ideas about the world. Up is down and left is right you guys, but don’t worry- I’m pretty sure Quail eggs are still rad. In fact they definitely are, because what follows this statement is a paragraph where it is shown that even though Quail eggs only weigh 10-12g each, they also contain 140g of vitamin B1.

Quail eggs- possibly the TARDIS?

As well as that, if you give a kid two of them a day [which would be easy since they are about the size of a mini egg], your kid will be ‘less likely to suffer from infectious diseases’. Everybody out there with kids, if you are feeding that little dude one or less Quail eggs a day you should be ashamed of yourselves. Seriously, how do you sleep at night?

‘Now imagine all of these benifits in a colorful delicacy known for it’s 5- star elegance and cultural equisiteness.’ Please do imagine that. Please imagine the cultural exquisiteness of an egg. You’ll thank me later.

After that brilliant sentence comes the best part of any pamphlet- the part that is done in bullet points. Except the dudes who wrote this don’t understand bullet points, so every point is really a paragraph. The bullet points are supposed to represent the health benifits of eating a shit ton of tiny eggs every day, and I have a few favourites that I’m not even gonna comment on. They are perfect just the way they are:

-‘ Quail eggs are the low carbohydrate, low calorie food for keeping your blood sugar and cholesterol at a safe level. There may not yet be a diabetes cure, but including Quail eggs in your diet can help you live a life devoid of diabetes symptoms.’

– ‘Quail eggs can accelerate recuperation after blood stroke and help strengthen heart muscle’

And the best thing you’ll ever read in your life:

-‘Quail eggs contain natural vitamins and proteins that are proven to increase sexual performance. When incorporated into your daily diet, Quail eggs not only stimulate sexual desire and potency, they also give you energy. And unlike other sexual boosters like chocolate or pumpkin seeds, Quail eggs are low fat’

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, QUAIL EGGS!? First you tell me to feed my kids handfuls of you, then you tell me that eating them will make people awesome at sex? I am getting mixed messages over here- either Quail eggs are encouraging children to have sex, or Quail eggs are encouraging diabetic children with heart problems to have sex. With each other maybe. Either way, I’m not sure if it’s a message I can get behind. Or near.

I’m totally going to eat hundreds or them though- FOR SCIENCE. The pamphlet recommends eating them raw, or subsituting them for real eggs in recipes. It also says you can boil them for ‘1, 5 minutes’, but that is a very vague time to set an egg timer for, and also I am not convinced that you could dip any kind of soldier into a quail egg without ending up looking like you’ve just put a silly hat on your toast. Also I am pretty sure that an omlette made with Quail eggs would be unfulfilling, but I guess they get away with it because once you eat a couple eggs, you become immune to disease, heart conditions, diabetes and also you wanna ride everything.

Basically, lads, this whole blog has led up to one idea, and that idea is not even me running around immune to everything and boning everything else, though that idea is also pretty sweet. This is an idea that made me so excited I almost shut the fuck up for a minute. The idea is this:

Popeye could have been much more fucking exciting.

 

Warning Signs In General

Alright, so it might just be because I’ve spent the whole day searching for a job, but I’m pretty sure the world is actually fucked. Up is down and left is right you guys, and that is especially troublesome to me because I already have mild amounts of difficulty with left and right as it is. Don’t act like I’m the only one either, left and right is serious business sometimes, we have all been in a car with somebody yelling ‘WHICH MOTHERFUCKING WAY’, and we’ve all experienced that moment of total clarity when you realise that you actually don’t have a clue.

Helpful hint: Your index finger and thumb make an L shape on your left hand, when you look at the back of it. This blog can be a learning experience for us all.

Anyway, I am basically underqualified for being alive, is what I discovered today. But then, something even more upsetting than finding out for certain that I am totally useless happened. Something really Fucked Up. Today, I watched The Real L World [upset level: 3] and identified with Kelsey [upset level: 100000003].

Not because I am stoned all the time, or because I have a terrible relationship with a genuinely awful human [who won’t put out and then when she does eventually put out it makes you wish you were blind and also deaf], but because she said something about looking for a job that made me say ‘Preach’ [Also I talk like a lazy robot]. And you know life is not going according to plan when you say ‘Preach’ to anything you see on reality TV. Unless Snooki says it, obviously. Girlfriend is WISE.

At least I am not the only person who is definitely Doing It Wrong. Even people with really good jobs are fucked. Like today Ais went to hospital because her lungs stopped working, and the doctor told her she was suffering from ‘Abnormal Chest Pain’. Is it just me or is that the kind of thing that you could figure out for yourself?

‘Hey doctor, I have this really weird pain in my chest, what is it?’

‘That sounds like Abnormal chest pain to me.’

‘CHEERS DOCTOR!’

I wish everything was diagnosed like that. ‘Hey Doctor, I have this really weird hole in my side, what is it?’ ‘Why, that’s just a simple case of Abnormal Side Hole’

‘Excuse me, young man, but you seem to be suffering from Abnormal Leg Missing’

‘We need an ambulance over here, stat, this man has the worst case of Abnormal Face Eaten By Dogs I’ve ever seen!’

The best part is, when my mother was explaining what he said to me, she used the words ‘He said it was TOTALLY NORMAL Abnormal Chest Pain’. Now, I don’t wanna be anal here [except sexually], but there is something about that sentence that makes me think that is not what the doctor said. Because doctors are smart, and also busy, so it seems like he could have saved some time by just saying ‘You have chest pain’, if that’s what he meant.

Maybe that’s a job I can have. I can use my English degree to helpfully word vague medical conditions. The money will be great because I will be the only person doing it- market cornered!

The point is, the medical profession are pretty much phoning it in right now, and that is not comforting to me, especially since my stomach exploded. Somebody who is applying for less jobs than I am should get on that shit.

On a fantastic side note, someone in work yesterday was talking to me about how I am trying to move away, and he said that everyone who is brilliant went through a long period of being terrible beforehand. This seems like it would be an inspiring and life affirming thing to say, but actually thinking about it now I’m pretty sure he was insulting me. Last time I help that guy find soup.

Anyway, the real reason I wanted to write a blog today had nothing to do with my sisters lungs, finding a job or phrasing a sentence. It was much more important than that. I think I may have discovered something that the entire world needs to know. Something so important, god is right now sitting the fuck back down and recognizing the glory of what he has actually created.

You guys- All lesbians look much better in the 20’s. Even the fat ones.

I know what you’re thinking. ‘But Sinead’ you are saying [to who? I am probably not next to you you know], ‘Isn’t that just a stereotype, and also why is it important, I feel like my life is not enriched in any way after learning that?’ That my friends, is where you are wrong. Well, probably it is a stereotype, but fuck it, all stereotypes are based on a little bit of truth [I mean, who among us does not know a blonde girl who is way more fun?]. Anyway, the point is there are at least two reasons why this knowledge is really important for everyone in the world to know:

1: Finally trilbys are going to be worn by Rad People, who are Pulling It Off, instead of ridiculous boys who think that they look like Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca, but who actually look like an idiot with a hat on.

2: I own a trilby.

If I never ever update this thing ever again, we are all gonna know why. It’ll be because it is really difficult to type while being Covered In Bitches.

Or because another part of me has exploded. Judging by this morning, that shit might be genetic.

 

PS: This message was brought to you via the medium of Tallulah Bankhead and Free Time. Always a classy combination, and always the best voice to read anything with. Recommended by Danish people everywhere.