Archive for April, 2012

In Which The Author Pretends That It Hasn’t Been Five Months Since The Last Post

My bad, internet. In my defense, nobody is handing out quality pamphlets nowadays. Fucking recession. Also, very little amusing happened except a man in London told me Bronze was The Fashion, in an incredibly serious tone of voice, but it’s hard to get a paragraph out of that [except the one I just wrote- is that irony? I forget what irony really is sometimes, except I know it isn’t anything  in the song Ironic because pop culture told me so. Cheers pop culture! So informative!]. Anyway, I have not been entirely unproductive, I have been doing Important Research and have Findings to present. Or I guess A Finding to present, I dunno, I’m not in college anymore, don’t hold me to your standards.

ANYWAY.

I have spent the last few hours [years] looking at vintage pictures of Queer people on tumblr, and I have noticed a trend. Well probably several trends. For one thing, my previous assertion that all lesbians look good in a suit has been proven correct, bitches be fierce. Also, I have discovered that ‘dykes in vests’ were happening like a hundred years ago, and look pretty much identical to dykes in vest now, except with less interesting hair. Fructose has a lot to answer for, you guys, nobody in the past looked artfully windswept, or like maybe they had just rolled out of bed and into sex or anything. If there is one thing the lesbian community as a whole have really abandoned in the last 100 years, it is combs.

But the trend I am talking about is more fun than weave maintenance. It’s so much fun it’s even about porn. Or well, erotica. What is the difference between pornography and erotica, anyway? I think it’s just sepia. From now on if I am taking rude pictures  of anything Imma just do it in brown  tones and then bitches won’t think I am a massive perve, they will think I am a Class Act. Anyway, the thing I have noticed in all lesbian erotica ever forever is this:

The Lone Breast.

I guess it’s probably in straight erotica too, but who the fuck reads that shit? The Lone Breast is probably the funniest thing in the history of ever. Simply put, The Lone Breast occurs when two ladies are lying or sitting near each other suggestively, and one of them, for no reason, has a tit out. Just like, chilling. Nobody touching it, no obvious reason for it, just one nipple blowing in the wind. And every single time this thing shows up, the two ladies are totally ignoring it. They are like ‘Yeah, there is a nipple right there, what of it? This shit is Victorian’. My favourite thing about this is not the free boobshot I am getting, it’s imagining the photographer making that decision.

‘Gee, guys, I don’t know if having two ladies in underwears lying on the same couch is really screaming lesbian sex to me’

‘I guess, but what do we do? I mean, how do they even have sex, is it like *mimes jamming two scissor together with fingers’

‘Have scissors been invented yet? I don’t really think that’s possible with petticoats anyway. Hey, I know! Why don’t you just get your tits out!’

*Gets tits out*

‘You are a goddamn genius’

‘WAIT WAIT WAIT.. Why not just ONE! Then bitches will know how classy we are’

‘Dude, we are already shooting in sepia, but alright..’

Another cool thing they had in old porn was one lady presenting her arse to the camera, while another studiously ignored her. One of my favourite images [which I am not arsed looking up, but it’s on tumblr for definites] is of a lady shoving her arse over the hips of some other lady who is in her underwear, the arse lady looking incredibly upset and the other one is so bored she is reading a book. I think it might be Lesbian Bed Death. She’s all like’OBJECTIFY ME AS A WOMAN’ and the other one is like ‘Soz babes, Austen’.

I think if ladies still presented like that when they wanted to have sex it would be rad as hell, because sometimes it is hard to know. There are no mixed messages when someone is shoving their naked butt into your face. And you could write your number on it and it would be mega swag. Or demeaning, I guess, depending on your opinion on butt graffitti. I guess if the Cabbage Patch Kids were OK with it, so am I.

One of my favourite things about having a girlfriend now is that I no longer require ladies to shove their naked butts into my face in order to have sex sometimes. That only happens on special occasions. Actually, a lie, with Aimee it happens all the time because girlfriend’s clothes only come in ‘too short’ or ‘entirely see-through’. And people didn’t see us getting together, pfft.

I was actually supposed to write this whole post on ‘Shit My Girlfriend Does That I Do Not Understand’, but that is super hard to do without sounding like a gay Seinfeld. Thus, the accidental thing I have learned from this post is that when I sit down and start thinking about my girlfriend, I end up looking at really old porn.

She’s so lucky to have me.

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