Archive for July, 2012

Youth Defense: Challenge Accepted

You guys, we have a Serious Problem going on right now. It’s a pretty embarrassing one too. Like, not just for me, but I think for pretty much everybody who does not require watering on a regular basis.

That problem is called Youth Defense. For a Pro- Life organisation, it sure does sound a lot like children’s toothpaste, doesn’t it? But unlike children’s toothpaste, Youth Defense will not make your mouth taste like strawberries [and yet somehow protect us from cavities]. Instead they mostly make your mouth taste like bile, and bile is hard on teeth. I guess they only care about mitosis, leaving the teeth of the children of Ireland to rot and eventually dribble out of their mouths, kind of like the path Logic and Reason follow when they find themselves inside a member of Youth Defense [I jest- nothing will ever be inside a member of Youth Defense].

ANYWAY- you may have noticed their billboards around the place, proclaiming things like ‘ABORTION TEARS HER LIFE APART- THERE’S ALWAYS A BETTER ANSWER’, which I cannot argue with, depending on the question you are asking. Like, if you are asking ‘Where do you keep the spoons?’, Abortion is probably a bad answer. Similarly, if the question is ‘What is your name?’, the answer is more than likely not abortion [unless your parents are cruel and hilarious]. But always? Like, I think if the question is ‘Oh man, I don’t really think having a baby would be a solid life choice, what will I do?’, then maybe abortion is a contender. It’s probably gonna make it to the shortlist, is what I’m saying.

The thing that bothers me about Youth Defense isn’t that they think abortion is wrong- I actually have zero interest in what anybody else thinks about abortion, either way. You wanna have an abortion, go ahead, I literally do not care. My problem is that they are telling blatant lies in order to get people to agree with them. Kind of like your primary school teacher telling you to stop making faces or the wind will change and you’ll be gross looking forever. Immediately Imma call you on that, because the wind also changes when I am cheerful and yet I have Bitchface a lot of the time. You could have just said ‘stop it’, you know? This scare- mongering is super unfair on people who have had abortions. Imagine you had one like five years ago, and you are perfectly happy right now, then you see this sign that tells you your life has been torn apart and you made a bad call? That’s not sound at all. I don’t think that anybody should have an opinion about abortion, to be honest, unless it’s a personal one, because it’s a fucking personal issue, isn’t it? Something you gotta really think about, either way, before committing, and something that a motherfucking billboard with a picture of someone looking morose on it is not going to make any easier for you to decide about.

Bearing this in mind, I submit to you my counter argument to Youth Defense, and in fact all organisations that are telling women what they should or should not be growing in their inside parts. I have thought it out, spent several hours today mulling over the pros and cons of what I was saying, and now, I share it with you, in the hope that it gives you something to think about. My argument is this:

 

 

Do you know how many things are growing in your butt right now?

 

It’s A Lot.

Imma just concentrate on one, for the purposes of this discussion [and please, bear in mind that my degree is in Classical Civilisation, so my science is not entirely perfect, but my sources are real, so I guess I am hoping that by employing honesty and being able to spell the word Science I am already ahead of Youth Defense].
Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Candida albicans:
Image

Pretty impressive, isn’t it? That thing, which is a type of fungi, is in the colon of something like 80% of people right this second, just chilling the fuck out. This is also the thing that causes yeast infections, so it’s not even butt specific. Dude gets AROUND. Mostly, he just hangs out as a single cell organism in your intestinal tract, but dude can also morph into something that becomes Serious Business, like a system wide yeast infection that could fuck everything up forever, in the way that results in a bad case of death for whoever he’s growing in.

Now, here we have a human zygote:

Image

 

Now, nobody is debating that fact that this thing is also pretty fucking cool. If you make one of these and want to have a baby nine months later, you are pretty much golden. But you have to admit, it’s not quite as rad as that yeast infection up there, is it?

Lets break it down:

Can a Human Zygote grow in your butt? NO

Can a Candida albicans thing grow in your lady parts? YES

That’s 1-0

Can a Human Zygote take over your whole body eventually by fucking growing there? NO

Can Candida albicans? YES

2-0, in favour of butt yeast.

Can you have thousands of Human Zygote’s inside you at any one time? NO

Candida albicans? YES

Need I go on?

 

To get rig of a Human Zygote, you can either take a morning after pill, or, if you’ve let it grow a bit by accident, you can have an abortion, which is invasive and hard and nobody really sets out aiming to get one, but you can do it and it’s gone, problem solved.

To get rid of Candida albicans you can poop it out, or if it’s gotten out of hand, take some medicine, problem also solved.

 

And so, here is my point: Youth Defense, I am challenging you to put your money where your mouth is. And I don’t mean in another billboard campaign, I mean seriously. Step up to the plate and show the world that you are willing to practice what you preach, that you truly believe a single cell organism is the same as a Live Thing, and deserves the same considerations as one.

Essentially, if you guys are serious about the right single cell organisms have to thrive in this crazy, messed up world we live in, then I must insist that you give up pooping forever, or nobody will take you seriously. Grow your butt yeast until it takes you over, or forever be a hypocrite.

Your choice, dickheads. 

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