Posts Tagged ‘ Being a Dickhead ’

I Do My Own Stunts

Dudes, have you ever just been really fucking happy, for absolutely no reason? Well fucking try that shit out, because I am here to tell you it is pretty much the raddest of all the miraculous sensations [is happiness a sensation? I don’t know, I am not a scientist. But if I was a scientist I would wear safety goggles all the time so bitches would know about my Experiments. Also, I would probably be a bad scientist].

Now, I know nobody likes to read about somebody telling them how rad their life is, that shit is minus craic. I mean, you can be totally content and comfortable with every aspect of your life, but if someone comes along and makes you read 800 words centered on how fucking deadly they are, it’s gonna harsh your buzz. ‘Gee’, you will say [you are Bobby from all educational videos made in the 50’s, by the way], ‘I sure thought I was happy living here in this Moon Tower, but now that I know all about that sighting of a nun in a sex shop [true story, happy Monday], I just feel inferior.’

But also, I kinda want to share this rad feeling with everybody. SO- I have come up with a plan. Imma make every single one of you feel as happy as I do right now, and also make you feel much better about your lives in general. I will do this merely by relating some in real life true stories of how I am messing up my own life. Specifically, how I am messing up talking to girls.

Exciting, right? Prepare to be Validated:

OK, so you guys know I volunteered at TGEU this year, and had a rad time and you should all donate to TENI this second, right? Right. A thing most of you don’t know is that not only was there a ton of learning experiences to be had there, and a lot of friends to be made, and karaoke to be sung- dudes, there were also a ton of Babes.

Babes as far as the eye could see, if the eye could only see as far away as the other side of the building. And as we all know, I have supreme difficulty with talking to Babes. I can’t do it. I see a face, and I either run entirely out of words, or I run into too many. One time in Galway at a Socs day, I accidentally called a pretty girl a cunt, and to this day I do not know why or how I managed it.

What I am saying here is I have serious game.

Anyway, so on the first day I was working registration, and it was my job to sign people up for a bus home from Mother on Saturday night. Simple! I was the last person at the desk, so I made sure to scan the line ahead, in case of Babes, so I would have time to prepare what to say [I know for most people, saying the sentence ‘Do you want to get the bus home?’ comes naturally, but what can I say, I told you I had game]. Foolproof plan, right? And it worked perfectly until some people who were asking me difficult questions about line- dancing in Dublin made me lose my concentration.

I wrote their names down on my list of bus names, and looked up… And suddenly, the roof of the nursing building parted, and allowed a single stream of sunlight to glisten on the forehead of what can only be described as the most beautiful human being that has ever existed. Angels carved that face out of my dreams, and then sent it to register for a conference in DCU, and that is how I know god is a fan of LGBTQ people. That is how I know it for a FACT.

Of course while I was thinking that, the Most Beautiful Human was just standing there, probably wondering why I was gazing into their perfect eyes and drooling slightly [and attractively].

‘Oh shit!’ I thought, ‘Fucking say something! You gotta say something oh god what is happening this silence is too long SAY SOMETHING!’ and so I said something, and I said it loudly, and it was this:


And then I died.

LOL JK I only WISHED I’d died. Instead what I did was just die internally, and that was almost as good. Eventually Bus [for of course, that became a nickname, with my friends that had no choice but to become a nickname] left, I have no idea if she ever signed up for the bus or not, but I do know this- my heart was already sad that she was leaving.

The next day, I engaged in such advanced flirting tactics as ‘hide under the table she is walking this way’ and ‘Oh shit pretend that these t shirts need to be folded again’. I was laying it on THICK. In hindsight, I don’t know why she didn’t fall for me there and then, I was being such a smooth criminal.

That night, there was a barbeque and karaoke, so naturally, we got drunk and skipped the barbeque, but arrived just in time to start the singalong party. I had a look around the bar, to see if Bus was there, so I could charm her by spilling a pint all over myself or something, but thankfully she was not, so when my mate said we should get up and do Gold Digger, I was like ‘Chalk It Down’.

And we got up, and it started, and we sang the first line before the whole audience of volunteers yelled ‘BUS’ at me… because of course that’s when she arrived. Nobody who walks in on you trying to rap along with Kanye will probably ever think you are cool again. Especially if the karaoke machine swaps the N word for ‘Figga’ and you don’t know how to process that. Should you sing anyway? I don’t know the rules.

The next night, long story short, I got very drunk at Mother and told her she was the most beautiful person I had ever seen in my whole life, and we danced for hours and it was rad as hell. So rad was it, that I woke up on Sunday with a big grin on my face, and the feeling that all was right with the world.

As we were tidying away all the t shirts and stuff in DCU before we left, I saw Bus walking towards me with a case. ‘You can handle this one, Dolan’ I thought to myself smugly, ‘You guys danced, you are done making a fool of yourself, and she’s about to leave with a pretty chill impression of you. Good job’. Now, for background information, I had spent the previous three days whooping and hollering and singing, so my voice was a low burr at this point. Only whales could hear me. And so it came as a huge surprise even to me when she said ‘Goodbye’, and flashed me a day- maker of a smile, and I replied ‘Bye, see you later!’, but with this guys voice:

I’m cool.

Obviously, immediately after that, I had to go and share My Gay Shame with everyone, so I went back to the Nursing building, where all the volunteers were hanging out.

‘Guess who made a fool of themselves in front of Bus [I used Bus’s real neame] today?’ I yelled.

‘She’s sitting over there’ replied Ais, pointing to Very Much Nearby.

‘Guess who made a fool of themselves in front of Bus TWICE today?’ I replied, and I knew in that moment that up until then, I had only imagined the feeling of embarrassment, and that this right here, was the Real Deal. I also knew I would never feel anything even close to that level of shame again, and so I clung to that silver lining to prevent sinking into the earth.

And Iwas right, I haven’t felt like that since.

That is, until a couple weeks later when I wrote Ais a note to go with a thing I’d borrowed from her, and the note said ‘I spent most of last night making out with someone a day older than Dakota Fanning- NO REGRETS’, just to cheer Ais up, and she took a picture of it and put it on facebook for everyone to see , includingthe aformentioned girl who  responded with ‘tell her I’m loads older than Justin Bieber, it’s fine’, which is a fairly good reaction but STILL.

Because that’s my life, apparently. A series of incredible and awesome things, joined together with intense and semi- permanent blushes.

Thanks for listening. Have a rad day.


Youth Defense: Challenge Accepted

You guys, we have a Serious Problem going on right now. It’s a pretty embarrassing one too. Like, not just for me, but I think for pretty much everybody who does not require watering on a regular basis.

That problem is called Youth Defense. For a Pro- Life organisation, it sure does sound a lot like children’s toothpaste, doesn’t it? But unlike children’s toothpaste, Youth Defense will not make your mouth taste like strawberries [and yet somehow protect us from cavities]. Instead they mostly make your mouth taste like bile, and bile is hard on teeth. I guess they only care about mitosis, leaving the teeth of the children of Ireland to rot and eventually dribble out of their mouths, kind of like the path Logic and Reason follow when they find themselves inside a member of Youth Defense [I jest- nothing will ever be inside a member of Youth Defense].

ANYWAY- you may have noticed their billboards around the place, proclaiming things like ‘ABORTION TEARS HER LIFE APART- THERE’S ALWAYS A BETTER ANSWER’, which I cannot argue with, depending on the question you are asking. Like, if you are asking ‘Where do you keep the spoons?’, Abortion is probably a bad answer. Similarly, if the question is ‘What is your name?’, the answer is more than likely not abortion [unless your parents are cruel and hilarious]. But always? Like, I think if the question is ‘Oh man, I don’t really think having a baby would be a solid life choice, what will I do?’, then maybe abortion is a contender. It’s probably gonna make it to the shortlist, is what I’m saying.

The thing that bothers me about Youth Defense isn’t that they think abortion is wrong- I actually have zero interest in what anybody else thinks about abortion, either way. You wanna have an abortion, go ahead, I literally do not care. My problem is that they are telling blatant lies in order to get people to agree with them. Kind of like your primary school teacher telling you to stop making faces or the wind will change and you’ll be gross looking forever. Immediately Imma call you on that, because the wind also changes when I am cheerful and yet I have Bitchface a lot of the time. You could have just said ‘stop it’, you know? This scare- mongering is super unfair on people who have had abortions. Imagine you had one like five years ago, and you are perfectly happy right now, then you see this sign that tells you your life has been torn apart and you made a bad call? That’s not sound at all. I don’t think that anybody should have an opinion about abortion, to be honest, unless it’s a personal one, because it’s a fucking personal issue, isn’t it? Something you gotta really think about, either way, before committing, and something that a motherfucking billboard with a picture of someone looking morose on it is not going to make any easier for you to decide about.

Bearing this in mind, I submit to you my counter argument to Youth Defense, and in fact all organisations that are telling women what they should or should not be growing in their inside parts. I have thought it out, spent several hours today mulling over the pros and cons of what I was saying, and now, I share it with you, in the hope that it gives you something to think about. My argument is this:



Do you know how many things are growing in your butt right now?


It’s A Lot.

Imma just concentrate on one, for the purposes of this discussion [and please, bear in mind that my degree is in Classical Civilisation, so my science is not entirely perfect, but my sources are real, so I guess I am hoping that by employing honesty and being able to spell the word Science I am already ahead of Youth Defense].
Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Candida albicans:

Pretty impressive, isn’t it? That thing, which is a type of fungi, is in the colon of something like 80% of people right this second, just chilling the fuck out. This is also the thing that causes yeast infections, so it’s not even butt specific. Dude gets AROUND. Mostly, he just hangs out as a single cell organism in your intestinal tract, but dude can also morph into something that becomes Serious Business, like a system wide yeast infection that could fuck everything up forever, in the way that results in a bad case of death for whoever he’s growing in.

Now, here we have a human zygote:



Now, nobody is debating that fact that this thing is also pretty fucking cool. If you make one of these and want to have a baby nine months later, you are pretty much golden. But you have to admit, it’s not quite as rad as that yeast infection up there, is it?

Lets break it down:

Can a Human Zygote grow in your butt? NO

Can a Candida albicans thing grow in your lady parts? YES

That’s 1-0

Can a Human Zygote take over your whole body eventually by fucking growing there? NO

Can Candida albicans? YES

2-0, in favour of butt yeast.

Can you have thousands of Human Zygote’s inside you at any one time? NO

Candida albicans? YES

Need I go on?


To get rig of a Human Zygote, you can either take a morning after pill, or, if you’ve let it grow a bit by accident, you can have an abortion, which is invasive and hard and nobody really sets out aiming to get one, but you can do it and it’s gone, problem solved.

To get rid of Candida albicans you can poop it out, or if it’s gotten out of hand, take some medicine, problem also solved.


And so, here is my point: Youth Defense, I am challenging you to put your money where your mouth is. And I don’t mean in another billboard campaign, I mean seriously. Step up to the plate and show the world that you are willing to practice what you preach, that you truly believe a single cell organism is the same as a Live Thing, and deserves the same considerations as one.

Essentially, if you guys are serious about the right single cell organisms have to thrive in this crazy, messed up world we live in, then I must insist that you give up pooping forever, or nobody will take you seriously. Grow your butt yeast until it takes you over, or forever be a hypocrite.

Your choice, dickheads.