Posts Tagged ‘ Consent ’

Saying No

Today I discovered that College Times removed one of my articles. Unsurprisingly, it was not the one which is [at the time of writing] still topping their ‘most shared’ bar. It wasn’t the silly one I wrote about scissoring, or the informative one I wrote about strap ons.


It was the one about consent.


Frankly, I think this choice is telling. Faced with a huge response from my blog post exposing the company as a place which supports sexism, they responded by removing any reference to women being allowed to refuse sex from their website.


I wasn’t planning on removing anything from College Times, because I wanted the articles I did write to reach the audience I wrote them for, regardless of the issues I have with College Times’ staff. However, I can’t let these people continue to profit from my work any longer, not if ‘consent’ is not a message they can get behind.


As regards the other articles which College Times have not yet removed- If any LGBT Society, website or even blogger would like to print them, you are more than welcome. You can email me at and I will provide you with everything I have, to do with as you wish. The reason I would prefer to give them to a society blog is because that way, they will still be reaching young LGBT people, which is the audience I aimed them at. I have asked College Times to remove them as soon as possible.


Anyway, here is ‘Saying No’:




Alright, kids, today we are gonna discuss Serious Business. That is the business of consent. Now, I’m not talking about rape, rape is a separate issue and if you are looking for some advice about that, I suggest calling the Crisis Hotline. I’m not qualified to help you out there.


What I am talking about is being pressured into doing something that you are either not into, or just plain not comfortable with. This happens all the time, you guys, and it’s A Shame. Right now, people all over the world are engaging in sex acts that they kind of would rather not have anything to do with, and they are doing it to make their partner’s happy.


Imma drop a truthbomb on you all right now- if you are with someone who is not respecting your boundaries, you need to not be with that person anymore. Not respecting your boundaries is the same as not respecting you as a person, and what kind of relationship is that?


A True Story: I once dated a girl who was very much into the bumlove. At the time, I was young and relatively inexperienced, and I just wasn’t sure I really wanted anything inside my butt. So I told her that, and she said it was cool, but then kept going for it whenever we were having a naked party. So one day I let her, and I had the Worst Time ever. We ended up having a giant fight the next day, I started thinking about the sex we were having as a favour I was doing her, like a thing I was performing so she would still like me, and eventually we broke up. I was immediately much happier.


Does this mean I do not like anal sex? FUCK NO. Imma talk about the charms and beauty of going up the wrong’un at some stage, and we will all be Enlightened. No, the moral of that story is that I was having a bad sex life because I was trying to please my partner at the expense of my own orgasm. I wasn’t ready for that yet, but I did it for her, and it was a fucking HUGE mistake. Don’t be like me, guys. Don’t live in regret.


Now, obviously, everyone has different boundaries, and they change and grow over time. Sex is all about trust, and things you would never do the first time you bone a girl will turn into Standard Repertoire if you stay together long enough, such is the way of relationships. But just because you’re with someone who is a step ahead of you does NOT mean you should start jogging. Fucking take your time, enjoy the scenery! Half the fun is exploration, and exploration is way better when you do it together.


Because here’s the deal, you guys- if you are not enjoying the sex you are having then you gotta really think about why you are having sex, you know? If it’s not to make a baby, or to have a good time with someone you love/ like/ just met but they are cute as heck, then why are you bothering? You are a grown ass woman, and being a grown- up means you get to make the rules. So do yourself a favour and make some that result in multiple orgasms, instead of just plain relief.


And similarly, if you are into hardcore BDSM, and the newest lady in your life is into fingerbanging with her underpants still on, then be a good person and don’t make her feel bad about that. Not everyone you sleep with is going to have the same sexual history as you, and that’s OK. Try to remember how it felt to not be sure what you were into yet. The excitement of going to bed with somebody and being wicked nervous about it, because you were worried you were gonna do it wrong or backwards or something. And when you are imagining that, think about this- you have the opportunity to blow somebody’s mind. Do you wanna waste that by making them do what you wanna do straight away, or do you wanna continuously do it, every night, for ages, until they are in the same place as you? Because chances are, they will get there, and even if they don’t, you might learn something new, too. Every day is a chance to learn a little bit more about how your genitals like to be touched, and rushing that will definitely lead to skipping a few Cool Moves. Respect each other, and I can 100% guarantee that your sex life will be hella better. And if it’s better, it’ll happen more often, and who says no to more sex?


The message is simple- don’t be a dickhead all of your life. Be rad to each other, you’ll be happier in the long run.