Posts Tagged ‘ Idiocy in General ’

Sexting 101

As promised, here is an article about sexting that would probably have gone up on College Times, had I not been forced to quit [see previous post]. This is one of only two sex columns I wrote that were not my idea, full credit for the concept must go to Jack O’ Connor.

 

 

 

 

Sexting, much like being really good at rollerblading or sitting outside Central Bank, is a thing that is only cool if you are a Cool Teen. For most of us, the urge to send a boobshot to someone because you feel like a wank fades away sometime around the time of the leaving cert results, never to pop up again until we are middle aged and running for some sort of political office.

 

Fig. 1: A Sext

 

 

 

It’s one of those things people only want to do when it’s highly inappropriate/ illegal, because once it becomes an OK idea, it also becomes a depressing one. Also, once you hit your 20’s, chances are you’re going to be thinking of the future, and you don’t want future employers googling you and finding a picture of your 16 year old butt [even if it does have a youthful complexion].

 

Fig. 2 A Sext

 

 

That being said, EVERYONE gets drunk, amiright? And sometimes, when we are very drunk and more than five metres away from someone we have had sex with, we feel like letting them know that we wanna do it again. Or maybe just taking a trip down memory lane, to the last time we boned. Sending naked pictures might be a bit passé, but our generation is famous for being nostalgic about the recent past, and alcohol usually makes us wanna think about sexytimes, rather than how awesome the Power Rangers were [Side Note: If you can combine these two things in a workable way, please be my girlfriend forever].

 

So, keeping that in mind, here are some Rules Of Sexting [or, for more examples of the art, please follow @rare_basement on twitter]

 

First of all, never sext someone you haven’t boned yet. I mean, you are already doing a silly thing, imagine how ridiculous texting someone ‘I wanna grab your boner parts’ would be if they actually HATED that? Total buzzkill. You have to know what they want to hear, otherwise you are just being a Creep. Nobody likes being a Creep.

 

 

Secondly, don’t immediately start with the hardcore stuff. Everyone knows that sexting is mainly about the Filth Factor, but if you open with it, there’s no surprise. Like, walking up to a girl in a club and immediately touching her genitals is not a good idea, is it? But you can totally work up to it, only if she wants, and that’s allowed. Sexting follows a similar principle, I think.

 

 

 

Another important rule is to spell everything properly, or as properly as drunk you can spell. The cool thing about being a grown up is that you can enjoy an adult sex life, free from the dangers of someone’s mother coming in. So take your time. Nobody has ever successfully rubbed one out to a message that had more numbers in it than letters. It’s not cool, you guys, if you wanna let someone know your serious, use your grown up alphabet.

 

 

Now, say you have just had a hot and heavy sexting session with your ladyfriend, and you feel like showing her your wonderful, vodka- scented body. That is totally allowed, and you will definitely regret it tomorrow but so what! Everyone has regrets, right? Just try to leave a little something to the imagination, if you can. And remember, every sexy picture you send out will end up on the internet eventually, that’s just how the world works.

 

 

That’s pretty much all the advice I have on the subject of Sexting. It’s a bit silly, but all sex is a bit silly, and actually going out and having sex is obviously a way better choice. But if you happen to find yourself distanced from the person whose genitals you admire most, then stick to the rules above and you should be fairly OK. And remember kids- Always Delete. You don’t want anybody else reading that shit, and more importantly, you almost definitely said something you will regret in the morning. It’s like a hangover for your phone!

 

Oh, and by the way, it’s definitely cheating if you use Siri. Poor Siri.