Posts Tagged ‘ Sex ’

Saying No

Today I discovered that College Times removed one of my articles. Unsurprisingly, it was not the one which is [at the time of writing] still topping their ‘most shared’ bar. It wasn’t the silly one I wrote about scissoring, or the informative one I wrote about strap ons.

 

It was the one about consent.

 

Frankly, I think this choice is telling. Faced with a huge response from my blog post exposing the company as a place which supports sexism, they responded by removing any reference to women being allowed to refuse sex from their website.

 

I wasn’t planning on removing anything from College Times, because I wanted the articles I did write to reach the audience I wrote them for, regardless of the issues I have with College Times’ staff. However, I can’t let these people continue to profit from my work any longer, not if ‘consent’ is not a message they can get behind.

 

As regards the other articles which College Times have not yet removed- If any LGBT Society, website or even blogger would like to print them, you are more than welcome. You can email me at dolanchap@gmail.com and I will provide you with everything I have, to do with as you wish. The reason I would prefer to give them to a society blog is because that way, they will still be reaching young LGBT people, which is the audience I aimed them at. I have asked College Times to remove them as soon as possible.

 

Anyway, here is ‘Saying No’:

 

 

 

Alright, kids, today we are gonna discuss Serious Business. That is the business of consent. Now, I’m not talking about rape, rape is a separate issue and if you are looking for some advice about that, I suggest calling the Crisis Hotline. I’m not qualified to help you out there.

 

What I am talking about is being pressured into doing something that you are either not into, or just plain not comfortable with. This happens all the time, you guys, and it’s A Shame. Right now, people all over the world are engaging in sex acts that they kind of would rather not have anything to do with, and they are doing it to make their partner’s happy.

 

Imma drop a truthbomb on you all right now- if you are with someone who is not respecting your boundaries, you need to not be with that person anymore. Not respecting your boundaries is the same as not respecting you as a person, and what kind of relationship is that?

 

A True Story: I once dated a girl who was very much into the bumlove. At the time, I was young and relatively inexperienced, and I just wasn’t sure I really wanted anything inside my butt. So I told her that, and she said it was cool, but then kept going for it whenever we were having a naked party. So one day I let her, and I had the Worst Time ever. We ended up having a giant fight the next day, I started thinking about the sex we were having as a favour I was doing her, like a thing I was performing so she would still like me, and eventually we broke up. I was immediately much happier.

 

Does this mean I do not like anal sex? FUCK NO. Imma talk about the charms and beauty of going up the wrong’un at some stage, and we will all be Enlightened. No, the moral of that story is that I was having a bad sex life because I was trying to please my partner at the expense of my own orgasm. I wasn’t ready for that yet, but I did it for her, and it was a fucking HUGE mistake. Don’t be like me, guys. Don’t live in regret.

 

Now, obviously, everyone has different boundaries, and they change and grow over time. Sex is all about trust, and things you would never do the first time you bone a girl will turn into Standard Repertoire if you stay together long enough, such is the way of relationships. But just because you’re with someone who is a step ahead of you does NOT mean you should start jogging. Fucking take your time, enjoy the scenery! Half the fun is exploration, and exploration is way better when you do it together.

 

Because here’s the deal, you guys- if you are not enjoying the sex you are having then you gotta really think about why you are having sex, you know? If it’s not to make a baby, or to have a good time with someone you love/ like/ just met but they are cute as heck, then why are you bothering? You are a grown ass woman, and being a grown- up means you get to make the rules. So do yourself a favour and make some that result in multiple orgasms, instead of just plain relief.

 

And similarly, if you are into hardcore BDSM, and the newest lady in your life is into fingerbanging with her underpants still on, then be a good person and don’t make her feel bad about that. Not everyone you sleep with is going to have the same sexual history as you, and that’s OK. Try to remember how it felt to not be sure what you were into yet. The excitement of going to bed with somebody and being wicked nervous about it, because you were worried you were gonna do it wrong or backwards or something. And when you are imagining that, think about this- you have the opportunity to blow somebody’s mind. Do you wanna waste that by making them do what you wanna do straight away, or do you wanna continuously do it, every night, for ages, until they are in the same place as you? Because chances are, they will get there, and even if they don’t, you might learn something new, too. Every day is a chance to learn a little bit more about how your genitals like to be touched, and rushing that will definitely lead to skipping a few Cool Moves. Respect each other, and I can 100% guarantee that your sex life will be hella better. And if it’s better, it’ll happen more often, and who says no to more sex?

 

The message is simple- don’t be a dickhead all of your life. Be rad to each other, you’ll be happier in the long run.

 

Sexting 101

As promised, here is an article about sexting that would probably have gone up on College Times, had I not been forced to quit [see previous post]. This is one of only two sex columns I wrote that were not my idea, full credit for the concept must go to Jack O’ Connor.

 

 

 

 

Sexting, much like being really good at rollerblading or sitting outside Central Bank, is a thing that is only cool if you are a Cool Teen. For most of us, the urge to send a boobshot to someone because you feel like a wank fades away sometime around the time of the leaving cert results, never to pop up again until we are middle aged and running for some sort of political office.

 

Fig. 1: A Sext

 

 

 

It’s one of those things people only want to do when it’s highly inappropriate/ illegal, because once it becomes an OK idea, it also becomes a depressing one. Also, once you hit your 20’s, chances are you’re going to be thinking of the future, and you don’t want future employers googling you and finding a picture of your 16 year old butt [even if it does have a youthful complexion].

 

Fig. 2 A Sext

 

 

That being said, EVERYONE gets drunk, amiright? And sometimes, when we are very drunk and more than five metres away from someone we have had sex with, we feel like letting them know that we wanna do it again. Or maybe just taking a trip down memory lane, to the last time we boned. Sending naked pictures might be a bit passé, but our generation is famous for being nostalgic about the recent past, and alcohol usually makes us wanna think about sexytimes, rather than how awesome the Power Rangers were [Side Note: If you can combine these two things in a workable way, please be my girlfriend forever].

 

So, keeping that in mind, here are some Rules Of Sexting [or, for more examples of the art, please follow @rare_basement on twitter]

 

First of all, never sext someone you haven’t boned yet. I mean, you are already doing a silly thing, imagine how ridiculous texting someone ‘I wanna grab your boner parts’ would be if they actually HATED that? Total buzzkill. You have to know what they want to hear, otherwise you are just being a Creep. Nobody likes being a Creep.

 

 

Secondly, don’t immediately start with the hardcore stuff. Everyone knows that sexting is mainly about the Filth Factor, but if you open with it, there’s no surprise. Like, walking up to a girl in a club and immediately touching her genitals is not a good idea, is it? But you can totally work up to it, only if she wants, and that’s allowed. Sexting follows a similar principle, I think.

 

 

 

Another important rule is to spell everything properly, or as properly as drunk you can spell. The cool thing about being a grown up is that you can enjoy an adult sex life, free from the dangers of someone’s mother coming in. So take your time. Nobody has ever successfully rubbed one out to a message that had more numbers in it than letters. It’s not cool, you guys, if you wanna let someone know your serious, use your grown up alphabet.

 

 

Now, say you have just had a hot and heavy sexting session with your ladyfriend, and you feel like showing her your wonderful, vodka- scented body. That is totally allowed, and you will definitely regret it tomorrow but so what! Everyone has regrets, right? Just try to leave a little something to the imagination, if you can. And remember, every sexy picture you send out will end up on the internet eventually, that’s just how the world works.

 

 

That’s pretty much all the advice I have on the subject of Sexting. It’s a bit silly, but all sex is a bit silly, and actually going out and having sex is obviously a way better choice. But if you happen to find yourself distanced from the person whose genitals you admire most, then stick to the rules above and you should be fairly OK. And remember kids- Always Delete. You don’t want anybody else reading that shit, and more importantly, you almost definitely said something you will regret in the morning. It’s like a hangover for your phone!

 

Oh, and by the way, it’s definitely cheating if you use Siri. Poor Siri.